5 Ways to Find Peace on the Lonely Path of the High Road
We’ve all been in situations where someone treated us unfairly or tried to tear us down, and it can be incredibly tough to resist the urge to strike back. But taking the high road—choosing not to retaliate—can actually help us find more peace in the long run. In this article, you’ll explore why taking the high road is so hard and how our natural instincts for social survival play into that. You’ll learn some practical ways to let go of the need for control, the need to be “right,” and even the need to feel happy all the time, so that you can move forward with more calm and clarity when others are acting hurtful.
Read the full article, written by Jordan Fiorillo Scotti Ph.D., here.
The Challenges of Taking the High Road
Taking the high road is difficult. In fact, there are few experiences more anguishing than knowing that someone is out there trolling us or perhaps even seeking to sabotage us.
Why is this experience so particularly painful? As tribal beings, humans historically relied on the support of their immediate communities for survival. Not so long ago, being cast out from the tribe meant death in short order. That’s why the prospect of social rejection creates true existential fear.
But striking back often backfires. In addition to prolonging the conflict, we tend to make ourselves look as petty, crazy, or nasty as the other guy. Some schools of thought also believe in what's called karma—the energetic tone we radiate outward with our intentions and behaviors, creating the conditions for our (and others’) future life experiences. Even if you don’t believe in karma yourself, who wants to create more bad energy in the world? Not me.
So how do we find peace, knowing there are haters out there bad-mouthing us?
The key is to let go. Really let go. Not just pretend to let go and stuff our feelings down. You'll know you haven't quite found the high road if you're still simmering with rage. We have to authentically, sincerely, and strategically move on and let go.
In Buddhism, a cardinal teaching is that suffering comes from attachment. If we can reframe our situation as attachments that can be released, we have the potential to move forward without resentment. Let’s explore the specific attachments relevant to this situation and how to work with them:
Attachment to What Others Think
We want people to like, respect, and trust us. So, naturally, we feel threatened when someone is trying to sabotage our reputation.
The key here is to remember that anyone living authentically is going to have people who love them and those who dislike or disagree with them. That’s just a fact of life.
We can’t control what everyone thinks about us. We can focus on what the people who really matter in our lives think about us, such as our partner, kids, and best friend; those are the people whose feedback is worth listening to. The opinions of the rest of the world, we must (for the sake of our sanity) not worry about.
To release this attachment, try using meditation and journaling, or write a mantra or quote on a sticky note and consult it each morning. A favorite of mine is by Lao Tzu: “Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.”
Attachment to Control
We often forget that we can’t control what others think, feel, or do. We can only control our own behavior. The best we can do is be thoughtful in our words and actions and show up as the best versions of ourselves whenever possible. That is where our responsibility ends.
When we give our best to the world each day, we can be optimistic that we are creating positive energy in the world around us. With enough positive vibration, we just might create a protective energetic buffer so that anyone who stumbles into gossip about us is likely to a) not listen, b) stand up for us, or c) simply blow it off as nonsense.
Attachment to Being Right
We all want to be right—and for everyone else to know we were right! It's painful to know that others are only hearing the other side of the story.
But we can generate peace when we let go of our attachment to being right and consider that perhaps both parties did what they did because it made sense to them in the moment. We can apologize and make repairs for our role; we can show ourselves and the other person compassion for our actions. Doing so tends to generate immense relief and allows us to let go of tit-for-tat rumination over what happened. To get started, try a forgiveness practice like ho'oponopono.
Attachment to Feeling Happy
It’s OK to be angry, sad, or upset about a situation. We make things worse when we don’t accept that these emotional states are a part of life.
We gain wisdom when we sit with and explore our feelings with mindful awareness and see that they will eventually pass. All things are impermanent. We can cultivate a sense of peace with the bumpy ride of emotional experiences by accepting them.
This RAIN meditation works wonders for being with uncomfortable feelings. We just let them have their air time—consider any wisdom or protection they seek to offer—and trust that we won’t always feel this way.
Attachment to “Other”ing
According to the Buddha, we all operate in an interconnected system of energies, and suffering for any of us leads to suffering for all of us. Hurt people hurt people, right?
We can release the pointless and self-sabotaging battle of us vs. them by showing compassion for ourselves and others, knowing that we have all been hurt, disappointed, rejected, and judged at some point in our lives. To wisely address these conditions, we can use meditation to build compassion for difficult people. For example, a lovingkindness meditation helps generate supportive, loving feelings for everyone, including ourselves.
As we undertake the difficult work of traveling the high road, take comfort in knowing that we are in good company. Many influential and talented people—including Socrates, Joan of Arc, Vincent Van Gogh, Martin Luther King, and Nikola Tesla (to name a few)—were judged and misunderstood in their time.
Working to release our attachments is an ongoing process that requires effort, but the payoff is greater peace and confidence in our ability to move forward from life's challenges with grace and integrity.