Overcoming Shame Increases Resilience

Shame plays a part in many of our adult lives; and sometimes overcoming it is easier said than done. We hope that this Psychology Today article will give you some insight on why it is important to work through these feelings. View the article in its entirety using the link below.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/trial-triumph/202104/overcoming-shame-increases-resilience

There are a few emotions that, if experienced frequently, can prevent us from making positive changes. Even if our intentions are good, these emotions can hold us back. While I want to stay away from labeling any emotions as “bad,“ I want to have an honest dialogue about how one emotion, in particular, can hinder our progress and keep us feeling stuck. Over time, it affects our ability to become more resilient.

We all have experienced shame. Perhaps we were having a bad day and yelled at someone that we love. Or we were feeling stressed, so we indulged in comfort food, then immediately felt ashamed of our lack of self-control. These are human experiences, and we can’t deny what our brain feels. However, a pervasive pattern of shame can begin to wear on our sense of perseverance. Some of us have our sense of shame reinforced by the way that our family or significant other responds to our behavior, choices, and mistakes.

After a while, we may not even realize that our shame is holding us back. We may feel such a high level of responsibility that letting go of shame feels wrong. Many of us worry that if we stop being hard on ourselves and carrying around the burdens of things we have said and done, we will do them again. An even more painful belief is that we don’t deserve to let go of our shame. These kinds of negative messages create a perpetuating cycle that can prevent us from reaching out for support, and ultimately, we lose motivation to change or lose hope that change is even possible.

Despite the debilitating ways in which shame can affect our mental health and resilience, it is possible to break the shame cycle. Here are some suggestions on how to get started.

Remember your humanity

Many people grow up in households that focus on mistakes and the choices that lead up to them. We learn early that this is how to respond to our mistakes and failures, and it sets the pattern moving forward.

Recognizing that no one is capable of perfectly sailing through life without some stumbling blocks helps us put our behavior into perspective. We can remain humble while acknowledging that we err. Our mistakes and choices become part of who we are, but they do not have to define us.

Acknowledge mistakes, choices, and failures to those you trust

Often holding our regrets, flaws, poor choices, and mistakes inside our own mind feels miserable and in time becomes overwhelming. Talking about them with people who are safe and who encourage us, not only brings a sense of relief but can also help us achieve a broader perspective. Getting feedback from others who can show us love and support affirms for us that we are a whole person, not merely the product of our flaws.

Empathize with the flaws and brokenness of others

The capacity to understand the failures of others, and the ability to sit with them through their struggles, can develop our ego strength. We can achieve personal growth by walking alongside others through their struggles.

This allows us to understand that we are all broken in different ways and that our own flaws and mistakes are not drastically different from those of others. We may feel differently, and make different choices, but we share the common struggle to do the best we can under difficult circumstances.

Identify your strengths and positive qualities

Typically, I ask new clients during the intake to identify a few of their strengths, talents, or positive qualities. The clients who are dealing with a lot of shame have difficulty coming up with even a couple. The embedded shame causes them to believe that they aren’t worthy of identifying positive qualities.

I encourage you to make an effort to identify positive qualities about yourself, even if you think they aren’t worth mentioning. They could range from being a talented musician to making your bed every day. It’s OK to start small if it feels uncomfortable to acknowledge skills or talents.

If you really believe that you don’t have any positive qualities, ask a friend or family member that you trust to identify some of them for you. It may feel awkward or embarrassing to hear someone say positive things about you. Sit with those feelings, and know that they are temporary. It’s the first step in moving past the barrier that shame has created.

Breaking the cycle of shame is a process, but once you are free from it, you will recognize that you have value, with your flaws and your strengths, and that you can live a meaningful life as a balanced person.