Understand Overthinking and Reign It In
Overthinking can be brought on by a range of things - from deciding what to eat for dinner to whether or not you should take a leap of faith and start a new venture. In this Psychology Today article, Erin Leonard Ph.D. writes about how we can steer ourselves into making a decision instead of endlessly overthinking.
There are three things to know about overthinking. First, overthinking isn’t always negative. Authentic self-analysis is often an emotionally intelligent tendency, preferable to self-serving and impulsive decision making. Second, overthinking may become dysfunctional when it morphs into fixation and prevents a person from focusing on his or her responsibilities. Understanding why thinking spirals out of control and knowing how to reign it in may be useful. Third, a certain type of partner may unwittingly exploit a person’s natural tendency to look at himself or herself. This may elicit self-doubt in a person, which may lead to intense indecision. Identifying this dynamic and responding accordingly may help.
A person who is emotionally intelligent often consistently notices how his or her actions and words impact others, an ability which is frequently referred to as social awareness. Thinking about an issue from different perspectives and reflecting on how a decision may affect others, especially loved ones, allows a person to be empathic. Looking inward and taking stock of hurtful patterns of relating helps a person gain self-awareness and insight. Instead of making a selfish decision, an emotionally intelligent person typically attempts to be considerate of others while balancing his or her own needs.
Yet, when an issue causes a person to spin in a state of panic and eclipses his or her ability to focus on responsibilities, it may be due to intensely conflicting emotions. Often it is helpful to locate an empathic person and ask him or her to be a sounding board. A good listener is usually able to reflect and honor a person’s competing emotions which may help him or her sort things out. Unpacking, identifying, and understanding each of the contrasting feeling states may assist a person in gaining clarity.
For example, Suzie is upset because her aunt expects a visit on Suzie’s only free weekend. She dreads the long drive and is allergic to her aunt’s cat. She recognizes she will be miserable. Suzie’s aunt calls continually and relays excitement, stating, “Your visit is the only thing I have to look forward to. I am counting down the days!”
Following her aunt’s messages, Suzie spins. She does not want to go but feels powerful guilt about canceling. When the urge to reschedule bubbles up, she shames herself and asks, “Am I that selfish? Am I a bad person? I am the only family she has.” Yet, thinking about spending the weekend in the car and sick from allergies depresses Suzie.
After losing sleep due to the issue, Suzie calls her friend, Jen. Jen listens to Suzie’s conundrum and reflects Suzie’s strong and conflicting emotions: “You are exhausted and need to take care of yourself, but you also feel tremendous guilt about disappointing your aunt. I get it. I would too. It’s confusing. Taking care of yourself is important, though. You matter.”
After processing the rivaling emotions with Jen, Suzie feels better. She gains clarity and is able to honor how she feels. Quickly, she is able to identify a compromise. She decides to ask her aunt to meet her halfway at a well-known Thai restaurant (her aunt’s favorite cuisine). That way, she isn’t spending her weekend in the car or subjecting herself to the cat. Regardless of her aunt’s potential response, Suzie feels better. Instead of doing what is best for her aunt, she is proposing a plan that is good for both of them.
Overthinking may also be exasperated by a certain type of partner. This sort of partner often externalizes blame instead of owning his or her actions and words. Often, he or she points the finger at a person who tends to be introspective because it works. The person who looks at himself or herself sometimes believes a partner who projects blame because he or she trusts the partner.
For example, say Suzie approaches her partner about the predicament with her aunt. Her partner is annoyed with Suzie’s perseveration and attacks her: “You overthink everything. Just don’t go. Or if you want to be selfish, go ahead and cancel.”
Now, Suzie is extremely confused. On the one hand, she feels like an idiot for being indecisive because it annoys her partner. On the other hand, he is indirectly insinuating she is selfish if she cancels. Her anxiety and confusion escalate.
Finally, she decides to follow through with the visit because she is fearful that her partner believes she is selfish. Ironically, the week prior, her partner failed to visit his father in the hospital because he was playing tennis with his friends. In place of taking responsibility for his egocentric behavior, he projects it onto Suzie.
Although it may be painful to self-reflect and introspect, thinking deeply about issues may allow a person to act with empathy in relationships. However, pervasive rumination may indicate a person is grappling with deep conflict, often about himself or herself. Processing the differing feelings with an understanding person may allow intense emotions to breathe. This may provide relief and clarity. Additionally, it may be useful for a person to gain awareness of a narcissistic partner’s tendency to unfairly attribute his or her own selfish tendencies onto him or her. If overthinking eventually leads to an authentically constructive outcome, the discomfort may be worthwhile.